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Tweets by attnemployeesHistory we’re doomed to repeat
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Monthly Archives: December 2010
“Snow Day” not intended to encourage cocaine use
As you may have heard, blizzard conditions up and down the northeastern corridor of the United States have closed many of our offices for a Snow Day. “Snow” and “skiing” are occasionally internet shorthand for “cocaine” and “doing cocaine,” but … Continue reading
Woman’s glass eye turns out to be her glass ceiling
Despite years of dedicated service, Raquel Ugliaro can’t seem to get to the next level. It turns out her prosthetic eye, needed after a tragic corking incident during a champagne toast, is as much to blame as sexism and her … Continue reading
4,000th solitaire victory feels hollow
Employee Alan DiNola yesterday beat his 4,000th game of solitaire on his work computer, on Company time. For this desk-jockey, it’s been a journey of diminishing returns. “The first thousand or two really felt like accomplishments,” he said. “I don’t … Continue reading
Stealing lunch from others is the fast track to savings
Making your lunch at home can save over $50 a week, but foraging in your office’s refrigerator saves money AND advanced planning/effort. Stealing lunch from colleagues is the best way to keep you, and your savings account, well fed. It … Continue reading
Corporate Prom enjoyed by none
Despite the best of intentions, the first and likely last Company-wide formal prom, held this weekend, was described by various sources as “a sh*t storm” and “a total sh*t show.” Poorly executed thematic elements and perplexing music choices are credited … Continue reading
“Business nudity” dress code unveiled
To keep our small but vocal population of nudists happy, we’re pleased to announce a “business nudity” dress code option. It’s essentially nudity with a tie, stockings or jaunty cap/sweater tied about your shoulders. Undress for success, as no such saying … Continue reading
Retirement plan phased out, replaced with multivitamin
We recently ran the numbers, and our current retirement plan will bankrupt us in no time. It’s tempting to blame the aging workforce, but like their now useless reproductive systems, fruitless. Instead of the plan historically enjoyed by your father, … Continue reading
Fire alarms now being tested all day, every day
It’s not your imagination: The building has been testing its fire alarms around the clock for the past few months. “Oh, come on,” six separate people on your floor simultaneously cried out as the alarms chirped, chimed and wailed for … Continue reading
WorkFace: The Social Network for Work
Starting next Monday, we’re rolling out a beta of our new internal collaboration social networking application. Get ready for WorkFace: The Social Network for Work. WorkFace will connect us like never before. Not in strange ways though, because use will … Continue reading
Re: The phallus you doodled
During a meeting sources called “interminable,” security cameras noticed you doodling a phallus in the margins of a budget analysis for the coming fiscal year. It seemed like you briefly considered making the doodle anatomically correct (e.g., adding a vas deferens), but … Continue reading
Attention!Employees 