Tag Archives: policies

With “Damaged Goods,” limb loss equals compensation loss

The discontinued Get Paid What You Weigh compensation program was a disaster, but the Company hopes a new initiative with a similar spirit will prove more successful. On-the-job blindings, cripplings and limb-loss are at an all-time high, and the Company … Continue reading

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Web Browser Roulette: Once an hour, we see what you see

The IT department is testing Web Browser Roulette (WBR), a program they hope will increase compliance with our web browsing policies while also providing cheap voyeuristic thrills. Once an hour, during a randomly selected minute, a live feed of one … Continue reading

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More on the 101% budget cuts

As mentioned yesterday, certain underperforming business units will notice a 101% budget cut in the coming fiscal year. Below you’ll find a list of the business units that will be defunded like a girl on prom night (if “girl” = … Continue reading

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Re: The apocalypse and time off

There are numerous signs of the impending apocalypse, from knives that salvage the last precious globs of mayonnaise in a jar to postal workers delivering far more than the mail. As the end of days approach, HR has been receiving … Continue reading

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“Everything’s a Priority” to increase productivity

The Company has launched a new project management system called “Everything’s a Priority.” At the risk of hyperbolizing, it’s poised to revolutionize the way we work and may be better than all the major religions of the world combined. Starting … Continue reading

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Re: Jesus and our hand washing policy

Please be advised that a rumor circulating about a revision to our hand washing policy is without merit. Some have heard that “Employees must wash hands” will soon be a literal mandate, inspired by Jesus and his signature foot washes. … Continue reading

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“Not it!” now formally recognized

Dividing up group work often feels like how Europe divided the African continent: Arbitrary, without regard to local sentiment and with disastrous consequences. In an effort to ensure work is distributed more equitably, saying “Not it!” while crossing your arms … Continue reading

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