Tag Archives: finance

With “Damaged Goods,” limb loss equals compensation loss

The discontinued Get Paid What You Weigh compensation program was a disaster, but the Company hopes a new initiative with a similar spirit will prove more successful. On-the-job blindings, cripplings and limb-loss are at an all-time high, and the Company … Continue reading

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More on the 101% budget cuts

As mentioned yesterday, certain underperforming business units will notice a 101% budget cut in the coming fiscal year. Below you’ll find a list of the business units that will be defunded like a girl on prom night (if “girl” = … Continue reading

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Casino-inspired office redesigns coming soon

Federal law mandates that we honor one anonymous employee suggestion per month. This month’s randomly selected suggestion was submitted on a bar napkin, in crayon and said, “MAKE OUR OFFICES MORE LIKE CASINOS.” And so, in the coming months we’ll … Continue reading

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Masturbation interrupted, both parties scarred for life

Executive assistant Clifton Hirsch needed a signature from his boss, but unfortunately his timing could not have been worse. His boss, Financial Analyst James Moore, was engaged in an act of self-pleasure. “I was, ah, just…uh, shoot,” James said as … Continue reading

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“Get Paid What You Weigh” discontinued

Due to a Company-wide increase in binge eating, our “Get Paid What You Weigh” program has been discontinued. “I’m not entirely sure why we thought this would end well,” Payroll Director Kristen Rafferty said. “I think it had something to … Continue reading

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About the “Spelling C*nts” t-shirts

Some of you have asked about the “Spelling C*nts” t-shirts being worn by our company’s nationally-ranked spelling team, Spellbound & Gagged. The answer is a combination of inadequate attention to detail when the team’s captain reviewed a pre-press proof, and … Continue reading

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New readers embraced, rewarded and bribed

If you’re new to the Attention!Employees fold, welcome, and thank you for joining us. For your time and attention, you’ll each receive a small bonus in this coming week’s paycheck. If for some reason the bonus is not included, please … Continue reading

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