Tag Archives: compensation

With “Damaged Goods,” limb loss equals compensation loss

The discontinued Get Paid What You Weigh compensation program was a disaster, but the Company hopes a new initiative with a similar spirit will prove more successful. On-the-job blindings, cripplings and limb-loss are at an all-time high, and the Company … Continue reading

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Consultants successfully game the system

You know that consultants routinely make twice what you make for similar work, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. They also enjoy full management support for their projects and, when they’re done, they’re on to their next overpaid … Continue reading

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4th dream of promotion aborted

Keith Peiser in accounting had been dreaming of a long-delayed promotion for months, and until a meeting yesterday, it seemed like his dream would soon become reality. “There will not be any money for your promotion,” Keith’s boss said, “We … Continue reading

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Frank talk about our evil businesses

As you know, some of the Company’s sub-brands and businesses are involved in wicked deeds. A few undermine the fabric of civilization, while others are destroying social institutions and/or taking advantage of the poor and ignorant. Some days it’s harder … Continue reading

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Casino-inspired office redesigns coming soon

Federal law mandates that we honor one anonymous employee suggestion per month. This month’s randomly selected suggestion was submitted on a bar napkin, in crayon and said, “MAKE OUR OFFICES MORE LIKE CASINOS.” And so, in the coming months we’ll … Continue reading

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“Get Paid What You Weigh” discontinued

Due to a Company-wide increase in binge eating, our “Get Paid What You Weigh” program has been discontinued. “I’m not entirely sure why we thought this would end well,” Payroll Director Kristen Rafferty said. “I think it had something to … Continue reading

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New readers embraced, rewarded and bribed

If you’re new to the Attention!Employees fold, welcome, and thank you for joining us. For your time and attention, you’ll each receive a small bonus in this coming week’s paycheck. If for some reason the bonus is not included, please … Continue reading

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