Due to an inexplicable glitch in our email servers, your Company email address will, for the foreseeable future, include reference to the most recent prescription you had filled under our health plan. This may result in some awkward conversations with clients and colleagues, and the Company apologizes in advance to those on medications for private conditions.
The new email addresses will follow this convention: [the name of the drug]+[a number indicating your order in a list of employees taking that drug]@[yourbusinessunit].com. For example, if you last received a prescription for Prevacid, and you’re the 134th employee for whom this is true, your new email address would be Prevacid134@[yourbusinessunit].com.
Mark Zandi counts himself among the employees displeased with the news. “I really enjoyed my old email address (M.Zandi@company.com),” Mark said. “It was much less personally revealing and suggestive than my new address, Viagra69@company.com.”
If you’re not benefits eligible, and thus have no most recent prescription, don’t worry, the glitch also impacts your Company email experience. In lieu of a prescription, your email will now start with the acronym FECES.* The naming convention for the uninsured: [FECES*]+[last four digits of your social security]@[yourbusinessunit].com. *Fungible Employee, Care Externalized, Special).
Based on the email conventions above, there’s a very good chance that our email naming protocols were crafted by a 10 year old boy; it wouldn’t be the first time children have penetrated our ranks. It’s perhaps the only way to explain how situations like those befalling Mark (or Andrew Nalphistan) are allowed to occur.