Accomplishing anything of merit may be more difficult than usual today, as the Company’s keys to success, were lost sometime Sunday afternoon. The keys had been entrusted to HR’s Phillip Hisey for safekeeping over the weekend; he believes they fell out of his pocket, “somewhere in the park, or at the movies, or when I was waterskiing.” He was quick to add, “They’re not in my couch, I’ve checked like 50 times.”
Forged in the late 80s, the keys were initially created as a symbol of our potential success. One stormy evening, a well-meaning intern attempted to photocopy the outline of the keys to replicate them for his own use when lightning struck the building. The photocopier went what can only be described in scientific terms as “haywire,” and the keys became charged with a talismanic power that linked the good fortune of the Company with the security of the keys. The intern perished in the incident.
A group of the most trustworthy HR administrators in the Company was convened, and the so-called “KEY-pers” were formed to guard the keys with their professional lives. Phillip Hisey, described by some as “doofus” and by others as “a real yahoo,” was admitted to the KEY-pers due to a glitch in the proprietary software created to assemble the group. “I’m not surprised Phil lost the keys,” one anonymous colleague said. “This is classic Phil Hisey ass-baggery.”
“The keys also open the vending machines, and we’re running out of Funyons,” noted Jeff Grinnell in Facilities. “I hope we find the keys soon, or may God have mercy on our Funyon-less souls.”