The Legal Department routinely meets at a local bar for team-building activities like drinking, karaoke and yet more drinking. At last night’s karaoke jam, Standards and Practices Manager Reginald Patterson shocked the crowd when he followed a colleague’s sedate performance of Butterfly Kisses with the hyper-aggressive Heirate Mich by German metal band Rammstein. The main lyric translates to “Marry me,” but the tone is more “let me kick you a lot, and FYI there’s a knife attached to my boot.”
With his literal iron fist grasping the microphone and his eyes locked on an unknown point in the back of the room, Reginald appeared in a sort of fugue state as the guttural sounds poured from his mouth in an unrelenting stream. Some say he appeared to be vibrating with rage.
“He was like a man possessed,” an anonymous colleague shared. “I never knew the German language could sound so threatening.” Reginald was quick to defend his choice. “Look, the head of marketing from Das Office of Germany was in the room, and I wanted him to feel welcome,” Reginald explained, gesticulating with his metal prosthetic hand. “If I went to a karaoke party in Germany, I would be very touched if someone sang some Slipknot to make me feel at home.”
This isn’t the first time Reginald’s karaoke choices have come under fire: He famously performed a chilling rendition of Nine Inch Nails’ Closer at the last holiday party, resulting in lawsuits from a number of female colleagues present who thought Reginald literally wanted to copulate with them in a style best described as animalistic, as per a refrain in the song.