With “Damaged Goods,” limb loss equals compensation loss

The discontinued Get Paid What You Weigh compensation program was a disaster, but the Company hopes a new initiative with a similar spirit will prove more successful. On-the-job blindings, cripplings and limb-loss are at an all-time high, and the Company expects to turn maimed lemons into maimonade with “Damaged Goods,” our new compensation adjustment program.

Once Damaged Goods goes into effect, if you’re permanently injured or disfigured on the job, your compensation will be reduced by a percentage determined by the nature of your injury. “Your physical state when you were hired is the baseline,” HR’s Jacob McFadden said. “Experience a horrific accident at work that results in a decrease in your baseline physical capacity, and you’ll notice a corresponding decrease in your compensation starting with the next pay period.”

Focus groups found the plan punitive at best and in clear violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act at worst. However, more than half of focus group participants indicated they planned to get “seriously/mortally injured” at work in the next six months, so they may have been biased.

If you’re going to lose an appendage, it’s to your advantage to lose something small, like a finger (10% salary reduction from baseline) or a nostril (3% reduction from baseline).  Loss of a major limb/major limb function will result in a 25% reduction from baseline. You should try particularly hard to avoid decapitation, as that will result in a minimum 75% salary reduction.

All told, Damaged Goods is expected to save millions each pay period. If employees get safer on the job in an effort to preserve their compensation, the wildly unpopular “LOOK OUT!” policy of random maimings may be reinstated.

[Photo: chips, sporting an enormous eye-patch after-surgery – _MG_9901 by sean dreilinger]

 

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About attnemployeesadmin1

Attention!Employees is the employee newsletter for everyone, regardless of employer/employment status. Written by communications professional Jerome O. Gnome.
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