Failure to use “Out of office” auto reply leads to eternity in hell

A recently departed colleague was surprised to find himself in a lower circle of hell, he communicated through a medium earlier this morning. “I was a pretty decent guy, I thought,” Paul Blanch, formerly of Finance, said. “But I guess all those times I was on vacation and didn’t put up an ‘Out of office’ email auto reply finally caught up with me.”

If you’re out of the office for business or pleasure, automated “Out of office” email replies let your colleagues know that they shouldn’t expect a response until your return, and in the best case, suggest an alternate person to contact if the request is time sensitive. “I never ounce put up an auto reply,” Paul said as a sword-wielding demon repeatedly swiped at his limbs, genitals and face. “People would email me with a simple question, and, having no way to know that I would be out for a few days, thought I was just being an unresponsive jerk.” A piercing shriek could be heard as the demon landed a particularly brutal blow.

Paul appears to have ended up in a Dante-style hell, one comprised of concentric rings that each torment a particular subset of vile person. More specifically, Paul seems to be gearing up for an eternity between circles eight (fraud) and nine (treachery), in Bolgia nine. Other Bolgias and circles contain other office miscreants: Those who take food labeled with other people’s names from the fridge, those who don’t flush or clog the toilets with paper towels and those who discuss a 22-minute episode of reality television for more than 22-minutes at a time.

The Company is planning to roll out an organization-wide“Out of office” response that will turn on automatically when you take approved time off. Unless you alter the message, anyone who emails your work account while you are out will get the following auto reply: Abandon all hope, ye who email here.

[Photo: Mr. Satan, by David Gemignani]

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About attnemployeesadmin1

Attention!Employees is the employee newsletter for everyone, regardless of employer/employment status. Written by communications professional Jerome O. Gnome.
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