As mentioned yesterday, certain underperforming business units will notice a 101% budget cut in the coming fiscal year. Below you’ll find a list of the business units that will be defunded like a girl on prom night (if “girl” = an underperforming business unit and “prom night” = the coming fiscal year; “defunded” = defunded).
- BadKid Enterprises (Makers of SoapPaste®, the punishment-toothpaste for kids)
- Ferrous Minimus (Makers of Brittle n’ Flammable® brand steel girders)
- The Porcelain Gentlemen (Makers of Toiletres Bien!®, the toilet paper that teaches you another language)
- Internet’s Own (Makers of What?!?® brand manufactured outrage)
- Holy Ish (Makers of TrueKross® brand fake pieces of the true cross)
- Conception Denied (Makers of Fairly Effecitve® brand DIY-IUD)
- Assorted Haberdashery (Makers of TissueTie®, “The Tie You Sneeze On”)
- Icarus Aviation (Makers of Fly Low® brand wax-based personal transport systems)
- The Dreaded Hippy (Makers of You’re Still White® brand dreadlocking supplies for caucasians)
Employees at these business units will be subject to a two-step financial reckoning. 1) A hat will be passed to collect the 1% of the previous year’s budget now due as a penalty. 2) The hat will be passed a second time to collect money that will serve as an operating budget for the coming fiscal year. Dig deep, Colleagues!