In honor of your fired, retired or deceased colleagues who spent years toiling in obscurity, a Tomb of the Unknown Cube Dweller was dedicated yesterday. HR’s Cynthia Scheppach designed the monument, a full scale marble replica of a cubicle, complete with an anonymous employee hunched over a keyboard. A plaque on an outer wall of the cubicle proclaims, “Gone, but not forgotten, but really not quite remembered, either.”
“This man had a name,” Cynthia said at the monument’s dedication ceremony, gesturing to the sculpted cubicle-dweller. “It’s you and me.” At this, friends of Marketing’s Yu Andmi let out a startled gasp; Cynthia quickly reassured those concerned that Yu is alive and well.
The interior of the monument actually contains the unidentifiable remains of dozens of forgotten lunches from refrigerators across our locations. A bronzed stapler on the monument’s stone desk automatically depresses once a minute. Supporters have dubbed this “the eternal stapler,” though detractors refer to it as “a colossal waste of resources,” or “what are you talking about?”
The unknown cube dweller’s hand-carved monitor has a solitaire window maximized, and the title of a pornographic website is visible in a minimized window. Though there’s no indication anywhere on the monument, it also non-specifically recognizes the contributions of the temps, interns and other part time staff that sacrificed their free time with little hope of health insurance.