Employee Profile: Reginald Patterson

Standards and Practices Manager Reginald Patterson rules his department with a literal iron fist. He was a blacksmith’s apprentice during summers in college, and the skills served him well many years later. In 2007 he lost his left hand in a game of truth or dare gone horribly wrong, and forged a crude prosthesis made of iron. “It’s unbelievably heavy, and prone to oxidation,” he said. “But God damn do I love ruling with this thing!”

Reginald has never hit a colleague with the fake hand, but he frequently implies he will if goals are not met. His favorite tactic is the “scream and smash,” wherein he threatens a subordinate and drives the point home by smashing a coffee mug on his desk. He keeps a supply of mugs in his office at all times.

If you want to avoid the wrath of Reginald’s ferrous appendage, do not attempt to deceive him. “I always tell the truth,” he said, idly tapping his iron fist with the fingers of its human tissue counterpart. “I’ll never take a dare again.” He doesn’t like talking about the accident. “That’s in the past. This,” he said, pulverizing three coffee mugs in one sweep, “this is my future.”

[Photo of Reginald from his employee ID. He occasionally affixes a magnetic bumper sticker to the iron fist that says “My other hand is a hand.”]


About attnemployeesadmin1

Attention!Employees is the employee newsletter for everyone, regardless of employer/employment status. Written by communications professional Jerome O. Gnome.
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One Response to Employee Profile: Reginald Patterson

  1. Pingback: Aggressive karaoke performance terrifies all | Attention!Employees

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