During Marketing’s morning status phone call, the most memorable contribution wasn’t a new innovation or insight, but Bill Applebaum’s signature, speakerphone-rattling mouth breathing. “We’ve all tried asking him to mute his mic until he has something to say, but he never does,” said an anonymous colleague. “So the whole call sounds like it’s happening in a wind tunnel that’s home to an injured animal.”
Permanently clogged nasal passages make breathing with a closed mouth impossible for Bill. “IF MY MOUTH ISN’T WIDE OPEN ALL THE TIME, IT FEELS LIKE I’M DROWNING,” he said via emailed statement (he also has yet to discover the Caps Lock key). “PEOPLE SEE MOUTH BREATHING AS A SIGN OF DISINTELLIGENCE, BUT IT’S NOT,” Bill scream-wrote.
An otherwise competent employee, Bill’s credibility is often undermined by his unpleasant persona-telefona. The frequent guttural sounds that accompany his labored, throaty breaths are not doing him any favors. “I know he’s probably listening thoughtfully, but it always sounds so creepy,” the anonymous source said, “Like he’s trying to cure a cold through intensely focused masturbation.”