If you’ve ever called a hairy co-worker Chewbacca, or perhaps Magilla Gorilla, you might not know it, but you’ve committed hirsute-discrimination. Our hairy employees are employees too, with real emotions buried beneath their unibrows and neckbeards. To better protect our harriest assets, HR is hosting a mandatory hirsute-discrimination training session this afternoon.
Together, we can ensure that our offices are follicle-friendly environments. The hirsute-discrimination session is sponsored by the Company’s chapter of the LGBT (Long, Gigantic, Bushy, or Thick) Hair Alliance. Join your colleagues, hairy and smooth, at 2:00 pm in the large training room near you. Lunch will not be served!
HR’s Harold Wang, who identifies with the T of the Hair Alliance designations, will moderate the session. “Words can hurt,” said Harold, covered head to toe in a shockingly thick carpet of hair. “Even if the employee’s hair problem is ear hair, they can likely still hear the barbs and insults.” As a boy, Harold was called “Hairy Harold,” and the schoolyard taunts made a lasting impression. “I tried telling the bullies, “My name isn’t Hairy Harold, it’s Harry Wang,’ but that just made it worse.”
As a reminder, it’s still perfectly acceptable to mock those with toupees if the toupee in question satisfies three requirements:
1) It must look patently absurd
2) It must not be necessitated by disease
3) You must catch the owner trying to adjust it surreptitiously. .