Federal law mandates that we honor one anonymous employee suggestion per month. This month’s randomly selected suggestion was submitted on a bar napkin, in crayon and said, “MAKE OUR OFFICES MORE LIKE CASINOS.” And so, in the coming months we’ll be making a number of exciting changes to your office. Expect all the fun of a casino, without most of the gambling, prizes, smoking, drugs, mafia, prostitution and drink specials.
Casinos know that time flies when you’re not watching it, and in that spirit, all clocks will be removed. Digital clocks on computers will be disabled, and wristwatches will now violate dress code. Accidentally looking at the time on your cellphone when making a business call is acceptable, but not encouraged.(Chief Temporal Officer Stephanie Lawler will transition into a new, to be determined role.)
The air circulating in the offices will be enriched with more oxygen, producing a low-grade sense of euphoria. It’s also expected that the saturated air will make you more alert, but if that doesn’t do it, the numerous lights, bells, chimes and whistles going off constantly throughout the day should do the trick. If at any point you feel faint or lightheaded, consider a stop at one of the soon-to-be-installed $3.99 all you can eat buffets.
On payday you’ll receive a token good for the “Worker’s Wild” slot machine being installed in your building’s lobby. Insert the token, pull the lever, and see if lady luck is on your side. Get three dollar signs in a row, and receive your full compensation! Get anything less (e.g., two pink slips and a water cooler), and you’ll forfeit a portion of your earnings to the house, i.e., the Company. If you’d like to have your token directly deposited into the slot machine for you each pay period, please contact the Finance Department.