Employee profile: Don Obama

IT’s Don Obama spends a sizable portion of his day fielding questions about his last name. “At least 10 times a day someone asks me if I’m related to the president,” Don said. “You’d be surprised how many people think the ruler of the free world has a secret, white half-brother working in middle management.” Don counts himself among those people. “I know two things for certain. One,mystery white middle management brother is out there. Two, I’m not him.”

A conspiracy theorist from a young age, Don is willing to entertain any idea that satisfies one key requirement: It’s got to be just crazy enough to be true. “Truth is stranger than fiction, and I read some pretty wild fiction, which means the truth must be banana-town insane.” Some of Don’s most cherished conspiratorial beliefs include:

  • The gunman on the grassy knoll was a parallel universe version of JFK, sent through space and time by transdimensional communists
  • 7-Eleven is a government conspiracy to increase the consumption of slush-based beverages
  • Sasquatch and El Chupacabra have a viable plan for world peace, but won’t share it until they’re allowed to publically celebrate their love (“That’s right, Sasquatch and El Chupacabra are in love,” Don said solemnly.)

Like the president, Don has also written a book called “Dreams from My Father.” Unlike President Obama’s version, the subtitle of Don’s book promises “A Story of Mind Control and the New World Order.”

[Photo of Don from his employee ID. He’s thinking of changing his last name to something less attention-getting, like Taft or Garfield.]


About attnemployeesadmin1

Attention!Employees is the employee newsletter for everyone, regardless of employer/employment status. Written by communications professional Jerome O. Gnome.
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2 Responses to Employee profile: Don Obama

  1. General Counsel says:

    General Counsel would like to know why Don isn’t wearing his OSEA-required tinfoil hat in his employee ID photo.

    • [Don responds] Like fluoride, inoculations and the idea that food must be refrigerated, I reject the tin foil hat. I prefer one made of clear plastic wrap, which I’m wearing in that photo (it just wasn’t picked up by the camera).

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