In a nod to the Luddites of the Company, our electronic instant messaging client has been discontinued, to be replaced with an analog system. A vast network of vacuum tubes is being installed throughout and between our offices, with an access port near every computer terminal. If you wish to send a near-instant message to a colleague, you’ll simply write it on a scrap of paper and insert it into the tube. Through the magic of tube technology, your handwritten message will get to the appropriate recipient in less time than it takes light to travel from the Sun to the Earth (approximately eight minutes).
In early testing, hand-written emoticons and physical attachments dramatically decreased the speed of message transmission. PLEASE DO NOT CLOG THE TUBES with emoticons and attachments. Please be advised that incoming messages are launched from the tube system at an incredible speed, and that peering into a tube to see the inner workings may result in serious injury. Actually talking to your colleagues remains an option, but should also be pursued at your own risk.