Elevators to collect long term disability insurance

Through a loophole in the contract with our long term disability insurance provider, a stunning 74% of our elevators will soon collect long term disability payments. “So many haven’t worked properly in so long,” Office Manager Peter Riggano said. “Recognizing and accepting their disabled status seemed like the only responsible thing to do.”

That our elevators are disabled should come as no surprise to anyone who’s spent more time waiting in the lobby for an elevator than they did commuting to the office. However, critics have pointed out that elevators have no need for the disability payments, and that restoring the elevators to working order with simple repairs would be the truly responsible thing to do. Peter disagrees.

“Next you’re going to tell me that jammed copiers, busted staplers and impossibly slow laptops should also NOT be eligible for disability coverage. You make me sick.” He then spat in disgust and stormed off.

While the elevators are on the long term disabled roster, please contact their replacement, “the stairs”, for all your vertical movement related needs.

[Photo: Last night I dreamt of elevators by toastforbrekkie, via Flickr’s Creative Commons License]

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About attnemployeesadmin1

Attention!Employees is the employee newsletter for everyone, regardless of employer/employment status. Written by communications professional Jerome O. Gnome.
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