Due to a Company-wide increase in binge eating, our “Get Paid What You Weigh” program has been discontinued. “I’m not entirely sure why we thought this would end well,” Payroll Director Kristen Rafferty said. “I think it had something to do with creating a more merit-based compensation system.”
Shortly after the pilot was rolled out last month, visits to the Company cafeteria by pilot participants increased 480%, with a proportional increase in calories consumed per visit. “It turned into a mob scene,” Food Services Director Lois Sackelos recalled. “One guy was screaming ‘I shall digest you and turn you into cash’ between mouthfuls of pudding and Salisbury steak.”
A variety of other shortcuts to a bigger paycheck were attempted. Before the bi-weekly weigh-in-pay-out, many of your colleagues could be found guzzling water in break rooms and common areas. One employee with a hollow leg filled it with lead shot, allowing him to receive hundreds of dollars in unearned pay.
“We learned a valuable lesson,” Kristen said. “People will do anything to increase their take home pay.” After a thoughtful pause she added, “Short of actually working harder, of course.”