Results from our recent employee survey indicate that many of you are tired of manually entering your hours worked each week on a timesheet. Starting next month, you’ll have a new option: SYSIFIS, a surgical implant that will flawlessly and automatically track your hours on (and off) the job. With SYSIFIS, you can leave the worrying about timesheets to a hockey puck shaped implant inserted in your upper thigh.
Those of you who participated in the SYSIFIS beta may recall a sharp stinging sensation when you entered or left the office. Our engineers have tweaked the system for the official roll out, and the stinging has been exchanged for a steady, gentle electric pulse.
Rumors you may have heard about the implant’s other features have been greatly exaggerated. For example, the GPS component only works within 75 miles of your home office, not everywhere. Additionally, it isn’t possible for the Company to read your thoughts with SYSIFIS. We can merely use the device’s biofeedback data to tell when you’re lying, using drugs or exhibiting a heart rate that suggests sleeping on the job.
Please note, the SYSIFIS implant is designed for our hourly employees. If you’re on salary, you’re reminded that the concept of “non-working time” is nebulous, at best. Your implant is permanent, and of a spiritual variety.